How to help a lonely elderly parent

Loneliness is common, and it isn't anyone's fault. The World Health Organization estimates that about 1 in 6 people worldwide are affected by loneliness, and that social isolation may affect up to 1 in 3 older adults. It matters for health too: the US National Institute on Aging (NIA) says loneliness and social isolation are linked with higher risks of heart disease, depression and cognitive decline.

The good news is that small, steady things help. You don't have to fix it alone, and you don't have to fix it all at once. If you're not yet sure your parent is lonely, our guide to the signs of loneliness in elderly parents is a good place to start.

Start with a conversation, not a plan

1. Ask how things really are

Pick a relaxed moment. Age UK suggests a low-pressure setting, such as a walk, a phone call or even a text, rather than a formal sit-down talk. Try something open, like "It's been a quiet few months for you since the club closed. How are you finding it?"

If they brush it off, don't push. Let them know you're there when they want to talk, and try again another day. Age UK also makes a kind point worth remembering: it isn't your job to solve someone else's loneliness. Your job is to make it easier for them to take a step when they're ready.

2. Ask what they'd enjoy, not what's good for them

"You should join something" lands very differently from "Would you ever fancy going back to bowls?" Think about who they were before: the choir member, the allotment keeper, the one who always organised the street party. Interests are a far better starting point than a list of services.

How often should I call my elderly parent?

3. Make contact predictable

There's no magic number. What helps most is a rhythm they can count on. A ten-minute call every evening at seven can mean more than an hour once a fortnight, because it gives the day a shape and something to look forward to.

Independent Age puts it simply: be dependable and keep your promises. If you say you'll ring on Sunday, ring on Sunday. If you can't, send a quick message so they aren't left waiting by the phone.

4. Share the calls with a sibling rota

If there are brothers, sisters or grandchildren, split the week. One person takes Monday and Thursday, another takes the weekend, a grandchild sends a voice note on Wednesdays. A shared calendar or a family group chat keeps it fair and stops the same person carrying everything. It also means your parent hears more than one voice.

5. Give them reasons to call you

Loneliness can make people feel they'd be a bother. Turn it around. Ask for their recipe for the Christmas cake, their opinion on your garden, or the name of that hotel you stayed in when you were nine. Being needed is a good feeling, and it gives them a reason to pick up the phone first.

Local groups, lunch clubs and senior centres

6. Find one thing nearby that fits

The NIA suggests looking at community and senior centres, public libraries, faith communities, walking groups and classes. In the UK, your local Age UK runs social events you can find by postcode. The NHS also suggests asking the GP about social prescribing, where a link worker helps people find local groups and activities.

Aim for one thing, not five. A weekly lunch club or a single class is plenty to start with. Offer to go along the first time. Walking into a room of strangers is hard at any age.

7. Sort out the lift there and back

Lack of transport is one of the risk factors for loneliness that the NIA lists. If your parent has given up driving, the lift is often the real barrier. Ask the group whether anyone shares lifts, look into community transport, or book a regular taxi and pay for it yourself if you can. In the US, your local Area Agency on Aging can tell you about rides to appointments and activities.

8. Check hearing and eyesight

This one is easy to miss. The NIA explains that people with hearing loss can find conversations tiring and embarrassing, and may withdraw. They're sometimes wrongly thought to be confused or uncooperative when they simply can't hear well. If your mum has stopped going to the coffee morning because "everyone mumbles", a hearing check with her GP or family doctor may help more than any club.

Befriending services: free friendly calls and visits

9. Try a befriending service

Befriending means a volunteer who calls or visits regularly, just to chat. Some people find it easier to open up to someone outside the family. A few examples:

• UK: Age UK's free Telephone Friendship Service offers a weekly call with a matched volunteer, for people over 60. Age UK says there's currently a wait of about 8 to 10 weeks, so it's worth signing up early. Re-engage runs call companions and monthly tea parties.
• Ireland: ALONE runs a befriending service with weekly volunteer visits for older people who are isolated.
• New Zealand: most local Age Concerns run a visiting service, where a police-checked volunteer visits each week, usually for about an hour.
• Australia: FriendLine, from Friends for Good, will call a registered number a few times a week for a friendly chat.
• US and Canada: the Eldercare Locator (US) and 211 (Canada) can point you to friendly calling and visiting programmes near your parent.

Ask your parent first. Signing someone up without telling them can feel like being handed over.

Technology that helps a lonely parent

10. Make the technology easy, then step back

The NIA mentions video chat and smart speakers as ways to stay connected. The trick is to remove every fiddly step. Set the tablet up yourself, put your face on the home screen, turn the volume up and the notifications down, and leave it on a stand in the kitchen where it's always charged. If they'd like to learn more, many libraries and community centres run beginner classes.

Be wary of anything that feels like monitoring. Technology should be something your parent chooses and enjoys, not something done to them.

11. Bring in the neighbours

A friendly neighbour who pops in for a cuppa, or simply waves at the window, is worth a lot. Independent Age suggests that if you're busy or far away, you ask a friend, relative, neighbour or volunteer to help keep up regular contact. Swap numbers, and a box of biscuits never hurts.

What if my parent refuses to go out?

Many people do, at first. Try not to take it personally or turn it into a battle. A few things that often help:

• Find out what's behind the "no". Is it confidence, hearing, money, bladder worries, fear of falling or simply not knowing anyone? Each has a different answer.
• Bring company to them. A befriending visit, a neighbour, a grandchild after school or a weekly phone call needs no trip at all.
• Make the first step tiny. A coffee in the café across the road with you is easier than "a group".
• Keep the door open. Age UK suggests that if someone won't talk, you keep checking in and try not to take irritability personally, as lonely people can feel misunderstood.

It's their life and their choice. Your steadiness matters more than winning the argument.

What helps after they lose a husband or wife?

Losing a partner often brings loneliness in a rush, along with grief. The NIA notes that people who are both widowed and retired may feel very lonely and become depressed, and it encourages them to talk to their doctor about how they feel. Some practical things that help:

• Talk about the person who died. The NIA says many people find it helpful to talk directly about their loss, even though others often avoid mentioning the name.
• Mind mealtimes. Eating alone can feel too quiet. The NIA suggests lunch with friends, or simply the radio on.
• Help with the jobs your other parent used to do, from paying bills to putting the bins out, until they feel ready to take them on.
• Hold off on big decisions like selling the house, if possible, until the worst of the grief has eased.
• Bereavement support such as Cruse in the UK, or local groups through hospices, senior centres and faith communities.

When to get professional support

12. Know when to involve a doctor

Loneliness isn't an illness, but it can sit alongside low mood. The NHS suggests getting help if low mood has lasted more than two weeks. Encourage your parent to see their GP or family doctor, and offer to book the appointment or go with them. In the UK, NHS talking therapies are free and people can refer themselves.

If they ever say they feel hopeless or have no reason to live, or you're worried they might harm themselves, get help straight away using the numbers below.