Signs your elderly parent may be lonely

Older people often don't say "I'm lonely". Independent Age notes that people may not admit to it for fear of being a burden, and Age UK says some people don't recognise it in themselves at all. So it usually falls to the people who love them to notice the small changes.

None of the signs below proves anything on its own. Everyone has quiet weeks. What you're looking for is a pattern, or a change from how your mum or dad usually is.

Is being alone the same as being lonely?

No. The US National Institute on Aging (NIA) draws a useful line between the two:

• Loneliness is the distressing feeling of being alone or separated.
• Social isolation is having few social contacts and few people to talk to regularly.

The NIA points out that you can live alone and not feel lonely, and you can feel lonely while surrounded by people. A widower with a busy diary can still feel desperately lonely if no one asks how he is really doing. And a parent who lives alone and loves her own company may be perfectly content.

Both matter for health. The NIA and the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) link loneliness and social isolation with higher risks of heart disease, depression and dementia. The CDC lists older adults and people who live alone among the groups more likely to be affected.

What are the signs of loneliness in older people?

Age UK and Independent Age both publish lists of signs to watch for. Put together, they look something like this.

Changes in routine and self-care

• Letting their routine slide, for example getting up much later than usual.
• Caring less about their appearance or personal hygiene.
• Not eating properly, or an unhealthy diet.
• Trouble sleeping.
• Smoking or drinking more than they used to.

Changes in mood and outlook

• Being negative about themselves, or putting themselves down.
• Losing interest in things they used to enjoy, like the garden, the crossword or the Thursday club.
• Becoming less sociable, turning down invitations or dropping out of groups.
• A recent change in mood, such as seeming more irritable, tearful or flat than usual.

Changes in health

Independent Age includes frequent minor illnesses among the signs. That doesn't mean every cold is about loneliness, but it's worth keeping in mind alongside the rest.

What you might notice on the phone

If you live far away, most of what you know comes through calls. The NIA warns that a phone call or a short visit isn't always the best way to tell whether an older person needs help. Someone who is low might brighten up for a call or a short visit, and it's harder to hide on a longer stay.

Some things are still worth listening for. Age UK's loneliness team mentions people who try to stretch out conversations or seem reluctant to hang up, as if holding on to the connection. You might also notice that they have less news than they used to, that the names of friends have dropped out of the conversation, or that they've stopped mentioning outings they used to look forward to. None of this is proof. It's a reason to ask, kindly.

If you can, plan a longer visit and notice the home: food in the fridge, post piling up, the curtains, the state of the garden. Our guide for families who help an elderly parent from a distance has more on building a picture from afar.

Life events that make loneliness more likely

The NIA, the NHS and the CDC all point to particular changes that raise the risk. If your parent has been through one of these recently, it's worth checking in a little more often.

• Bereavement. The death of a partner, a sibling or close friends. Age UK notes that a major upheaval like a bereavement can be a clue in itself.
• Giving up driving. The NIA lists lack of transport among the risk factors. When the car goes, so can the lunch club, the church and the drop-ins on friends.
• Hearing or vision loss. The NIA explains that people who can't hear well may withdraw because they feel frustrated or embarrassed, and are sometimes wrongly thought to be confused.
• Moving home. The NHS lists moving to a new area as a common cause. A move to be "nearer the family" can still mean leaving lifelong neighbours.
• Retirement, illness or disability, including loss of mobility.
• Caring for a partner who is unwell, which can leave little time for anyone else.

How to bring it up without upsetting them

This is often the hardest part. Many older people feel that admitting to loneliness means admitting to failing somehow. A few ideas that tend to help:

• Choose a relaxed moment. Age UK suggests a walk, a phone call or even a text rather than a formal sit-down talk.
• Start with what you've noticed, not a label. The NIA suggests mentioning your worry without sounding critical. "You haven't mentioned the choir for a while. Is it still on?" is gentler than "Are you lonely?"
• Listen more than you suggest. If they open up, try not to rush to solutions. Age UK's loneliness team advises against reacting with pity, which can make people close up.
• Don't push. If they're not ready, let them know you're there and try again another time.
• Offer something concrete. "Shall we go to the café on Saturday?" is easier to say yes to than "You should get out more".

Some people find it easier to talk to someone outside the family. Independent Age notes that a helpline, a GP or a stranger can sometimes be easier than a son or daughter. That's not a reflection on you.

Is loneliness the same as depression?

No, but they can overlap, and it isn't something families can or should try to diagnose. Loneliness is a feeling, and it's very common. Depression is a health condition that a doctor can assess and treat. Independent Age notes that loneliness can be linked to depression or grief, and the NIA says depression in older people is sometimes mistaken for normal ageing.

The NHS suggests getting help if low mood has lasted more than two weeks. If you're unsure, the best thing you can do is encourage your parent to talk to their GP or family doctor, and offer to book the appointment or go with them. In the UK, NHS talking therapies are free and people can refer themselves.

If your parent says they feel hopeless or have no reason to live, or you're worried they might harm themselves, get help straight away using the numbers below.

Next steps

Once you've talked, you might want to look at practical help together. Our guide on how to help a lonely elderly parent covers routines, local groups and befriending services in more detail. If they live alone and you're worried about more than loneliness, see our checklist for families of a parent living alone.