Helping a parent after the death of a spouse

Losing a husband or wife after decades together changes everything. The person your parent talked to over breakfast, argued with about the thermostat and shared every memory with has gone. And you've lost your mum or dad.

The National Institute on Aging (NIA) puts it simply: there are no rules about how you should feel, and there is no right or wrong way to mourn. People who are grieving often have trouble sleeping, little interest in food, problems concentrating and a hard time making decisions. All of that is normal.

This guide is for sons and daughters who want to help without crowding, and who may be grieving at the same time. Be kind to yourself as well.

The first few weeks

Just be there

In the early days, presence matters more than words. Sit with them. Make the tea. Answer the door. You don't need to find the perfect thing to say, and you don't need to cheer them up. "I'm here" and "I miss her too" go a long way.

Take on the jobs that can't wait

There's a lot of paperwork after a death, and it lands at the worst possible time. Offer to help with what's urgent, and do it alongside your parent rather than taking over, so they stay in charge of decisions about their own life.

• Registering the death and the funeral. In England, Scotland and Wales, the registrar will explain Tell Us Once, a GOV.UK service that reports a death to most government organisations in one go, including HMRC, the DWP, the Passport Office, the DVLA and the local council. You need to use the reference within 28 days. It isn't available in Northern Ireland.
• Benefits and pensions. In the US, the Social Security Administration says a funeral home will usually tell it about the death, so you may not need to. Your parent may be eligible for survivor benefits based on their spouse's work record.
• Bills and accounts. Make a list of what's due in the next few months, such as rent or mortgage, energy, phone and insurance. The NIA suggests this as an early step.

Keep an eye on the basics

Grief can make people forget to eat, stop sleeping and skip their own medicines. Leave easy meals in the freezer, check that prescriptions are being collected, and keep their doctor's appointments on the calendar. The NIA encourages bereaved people to keep up with their healthcare and to tell their doctor if everyday tasks, like washing, dressing or making meals, are becoming hard.

The first year

The quiet after the funeral

For a few weeks, the house is often busy. Then people go back to their own lives, and the real quiet begins. This is often when your parent most needs you to keep showing up. Put a note in your diary for one, three and six months after the death, and make a call or visit on those days.

The year of firsts

The first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first Christmas: each one can bring grief back in a rush. Ask your parent how they'd like to mark them. Some want to keep traditions exactly as they were, some want to do something completely different, and some want to let the day pass quietly. Any of those is fine. If Christmas is coming up, our guide to Christmas gifts for elderly parents has some gentle ideas.

Learning the other half of the jobs

Many couples split the household tasks between them. The NIA points out that this works well until only one person is left to do it all. Your mum may never have dealt with the car insurance. Your dad may never have cooked a roast. Offer to show them, or do it together for a while, without making them feel foolish. In the US, the NIA notes that the Administration for Community Living's Eldercare Locator, 1-800-677-1116, can connect people with local help if family isn't nearby.

Hold off on big decisions

You may be tempted to suggest a move, a smaller home or moving in with you. The NIA advises that, if there's a choice, major decisions such as selling a home are best postponed until the person is feeling better, because grief can make it hard to think clearly. Of course, if staying put isn't safe, that changes things. Our guide to an elderly parent living alone can help you weigh it up.

Their late partner's belongings

There's no rush. When your parent feels ready, the NIA suggests sorting things into three piles: keep, give away and "not sure". Offer to help. Small things, like a watch, a favourite jumper or a book, can be set aside for children and grandchildren.

Loneliness after loss

Losing a partner is one of the biggest risk factors for loneliness in later life. Age UK's 2018 analysis of the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing found that people over 50 were more than five times as likely to be often lonely if they were widowed, compared with those in a relationship. In an earlier analysis, the Office for National Statistics identified "widowed older homeowners living alone with long-term health conditions" as one of three groups most at risk of loneliness.

The NIA also notes that people who are both widowed and retired may feel very lonely and become depressed. Our guide to the signs of loneliness in elderly parents describes what to look out for.

Small things that help

• Mind the mealtimes. Eating alone can feel very quiet. The NIA suggests lunch with friends, or simply having the radio or TV on.
• Cover the hard hours. Ask your parent which part of the day feels emptiest. For some it's the evenings or Sunday afternoons, the times that used to belong to the two of them. A regular call then can make a real difference.
• Talk about the person who died. Families often avoid saying the name for fear of upsetting someone. The NIA says many people find it helpful to talk directly about their loss.
• Go at their pace. Social events can feel overwhelming without their partner. The NIA suggests low-key outings, like a walk or a film, a volunteering role or a group activity at a community centre, when they feel ready.

For more ideas, see our guide on how to help a lonely elderly parent. If you live a long way away, our guide to caring for elderly parents from a distance covers call rotas, local contacts and sharing the load.

When grief needs more support

Grief isn't an illness, and most people find, over time, that the sharpest pain eases. But sometimes it stays so intense, for so long, that it stops someone living their life.

The NIA calls this complicated grief: people may be unable to accept the loss, stay preoccupied with the person who died, and find it hard to resume their own life or see any meaning or purpose ahead. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) recognises prolonged grief disorder. For adults, at least 12 months must have passed since the death, with symptoms such as intense emotional pain, feeling that part of oneself has died, and deep loneliness on most days. The APA estimates that 4 to 15 percent of bereaved adults have persistent symptoms, and says talking therapies can help.

The NHS suggests seeing a GP if low mood has lasted more than two weeks, if sadness or guilt isn't easing months later, if someone can't return to their daily activities, or if they have suicidal thoughts. In England, adults can also refer themselves to NHS talking therapies.

If your parent says they don't want to go on, or you're worried they might harm themselves, don't wait. Call their doctor, or use the numbers below.

Bereavement services that can help

• Cruse Bereavement Support (UK). The free Cruse helpline is 0808 808 1677, for UK callers. When we checked, it was open Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday from 9:30am to 5pm, and Tuesday from 1pm to 8pm, closed at weekends. Cruse also has local services offering one-to-one or group support.
• The NHS. A GP can talk about grief, check physical health and refer to talking therapies.
• Hospices. The NIA says hospice teams can offer grief counselling, sometimes called bereavement support, to the family of someone who was in their care, and that you can ask hospice workers for bereavement support even if hospice wasn't used before the death.
• US community support. The NIA suggests asking local hospitals, senior centres, faith groups, funeral homes or your doctor about bereavement support groups, and notes that many online groups and counselling sessions can be joined from home.
• Someone to talk to at 3am. In the UK, The Silver Line, run by Age UK, is free and open 24 hours for anyone aged 55 or over, on 0800 4 70 80 90.

Keeping their memories close

Many people find comfort in remembering out loud. The NIA mentions friends sharing memories and stories about the person who died as one way families help each other.

• Look through photos together, and write names, places and dates on the back while your parent remembers them.
• Ask about the early days. How did they meet? What was the wedding like? What made them laugh? Our list of questions to ask your parents about their life has plenty of gentle starting points.
• Record or write the stories down. A family story book, a scrapbook or a few voice notes on your phone can become something treasured. Our story book page explains one way to do it.
• Follow their lead. Some days your parent will want to remember. Other days they won't. Both are fine.

Questions families ask