Questions to ask your parents about their life

Most of us mean to ask. Then a Sunday lunch goes by, and another, and the story of how Grandad got that scar never gets told properly. This guide makes it easier to start.

It's good for both of you. Psychologist Robyn Fivush, writing about research from her Family Narratives Lab, says children and teenagers who know more about their family's history tend to do better on several measures of well-being, including self-esteem. She's clear that what matters is the ongoing telling and sharing of stories, not memorising facts. For the person telling, HealthLinkBC notes that sharing memories can help someone reflect on their life and feel accepted and cared for. And you may learn how they got through hard times, which is useful for your own life too.

How to ask, so it feels like a chat

One question at a time

Sitting your mum down with a list of 76 questions will feel like a job interview. Pick one, and ask it when you're already together: in the car, over the washing up, on the Sunday phone call. One good question and a couple of follow-ups can fill an afternoon.

Ask open questions, then follow up

The Smithsonian's folklife and oral history interviewing guide advises questions that start with "how", "what" or "why", because they get fuller answers than ones starting with "do" or "did". "What was it like starting work at fifteen?" works better than "Did you like your first job?" Then follow up: "How did that happen?" or "Can you give me an example?" The same guide suggests starting with something easy, like where they were born, and not being afraid of silences. People need a moment to think.

Bring something to look at

Old photographs, letters, certificates, tools, recipe cards and heirlooms all help stir memories, according to the Smithsonian guide. Dementia UK suggests familiar music too. A wedding photo can do more than any question. Simply ask, "Who's this?" and see where it goes.

Let them wander

If they go off on a tangent about a neighbour you've never heard of, follow it. The best stories are often the ones you didn't know to ask about.

Tell them you really want to know

Many older people think their lives were ordinary and their stories would bore you. HealthLinkBC's advice is to reassure them that you're genuinely interested. Show it with eye contact, nods and by repeating back what you heard. "So you were only nineteen and on your own in London?"

Ask before you record

Hearing their voice years from now can be very precious. But the Smithsonian guide is firm that you should never record without the person knowing, and that you should only use the recording in the ways you agreed. Ask first, explain who it's for, and respect anything they want kept private. If you'd like to go further, the Oral History Society has free advice on getting started and on recording legally and ethically.

Go gently with hard memories

Some questions will touch on loss, war, money worries or a marriage that ended. HealthLinkBC notes that memories can bring up anxiety or sadness, especially for someone who is grieving. If that happens, ask whether they'd like to carry on. If they're getting upset, pause, suggest coming back to it another time, and sit quietly with them for a bit. And if they're getting tired, stop. There's always next week.

76 questions to ask your parents, by life chapter

Use these as a starting point, not a script. Swap "Mum" or "Dad" for whoever fits, skip the ones that don't suit your family, and add your own. You might print this page and keep it by the phone.

Childhood

1. What's your earliest memory?
2. What was the house you grew up in like? Can you walk me through it, room by room?
3. What games did you play, and who did you play them with?
4. What were your parents like when you were small? What did they do for work?
5. Did you have a nickname? Where did it come from?
6. What frightened you as a child, and what made you feel safe?
7. What did you get up to that your parents never found out about?
8. What was Christmas, or your family's big celebration, like when you were little?

School

9. What was your first school like? How did you get there each day?
10. Which teacher do you still remember, and why?
11. What were you good at, and what did you dread?
12. Who was your best friend at school? Do you know what happened to them?
13. Did you ever get into trouble at school?
14. How old were you when you left, and what did you want to do next?

Work

15. What was your very first job, and what did it pay?
16. How did you end up doing the work you did for most of your life?
17. What did a normal working day look like, from getting up to coming home?
18. Who was the best boss you ever had? And the worst?
19. What are you proudest of from your working life?
20. Was there a job you wanted but never got, or never tried for?
21. How did it feel when you retired?

Love

22. How did you and Mum (or Dad) meet? What did you think of each other at first?
23. What was your first date like?
24. Who was your first crush?
25. How did you decide to get married, or to be together?
26. What do you remember about your wedding day?
27. What do you think makes a relationship work?
28. What's the most romantic thing anyone ever did for you?

Family

29. What do you remember about the day I was born?
30. What was I like as a baby? Was I easy or hard work?
31. What surprised you most about becoming a parent?
32. What were your grandparents like? Did you know them well?
33. Which family stories got told again and again when you were young?
34. Is there anyone in the family we've lost touch with that you still think about?
35. Which family traditions do you hope we keep going?

Places

36. Where have you lived, and which place felt most like home?
37. What was your street like? Who lived next door?
38. What's the best holiday you ever had?
39. Is there somewhere you always wanted to go but never did?
40. How has your home town changed since you were young?
41. If you could go back to one place for a day, where would it be?

Hard times

Save these for when you're both relaxed, and let them choose how much to say.

42. What was the hardest time in your life, and what got you through it?
43. Was there a time when money was really tight? How did you manage?
44. How did the war, or the years after it, touch your family? What did you hear about it growing up?
45. Who have you lost that you still miss? What would you like us to know about them?
46. Have you ever had to start again from scratch?
47. Is there anything you'd do differently, if you could?

Food and celebrations

48. What did you eat on a normal weeknight as a child?
49. What's a dish your mum or dad made that you'd love to taste again?
50. Who taught you to cook, if anyone?
51. Will you show me how you make your ___? (The recipe nobody ever wrote down.)
52. What counted as a special treat when you were young?
53. What did your family eat on special days?
54. What's the best meal you've ever had, and who were you with?

Advice and values

55. What's the best advice anyone ever gave you?
56. What do you know now that you wish you'd known at twenty?
57. What matters most in a friendship, do you think?
58. What are you most proud of?
59. What would you like your grandchildren to know about you?
60. What do you hope your family remembers about you?
61. What makes a good life?

The world changing

62. What's the biggest change you've seen in your lifetime?
63. Do you remember when your family got its first television, telephone or car?
64. Is there a news event where you remember exactly where you were when you heard?
65. What music did you love as a teenager? Where did you go to dance or listen?
66. What did things cost when you were young: a loaf, a bus fare, a cinema ticket?
67. What's better now than when you were young? And what's worse?
68. Which modern invention would have amazed your grandparents most?

Questions for grandparents, from the grandchildren

Children ask brilliant, direct questions. These are easy for little ones to ask on a visit or a video call.

69. What were you like when you were my age?
70. What did you do after school?
71. Did you have any pets?
72. What's the naughtiest thing you ever did?
73. What was my mum (or dad) like when they were little?
74. What toys did you have?
75. What did you want to be when you grew up?
76. What's something you can do that I probably can't?

StoryCorps, the US oral history project, keeps a longer free list of great questions, with themed sets including one for grandparents, if you'd like more ideas.

How to keep the answers

A story told once at the kitchen table is lovely. A story kept is something the great-grandchildren can read. A few options, from simplest to most polished:

• A notebook. Jot down the story soon afterwards, with the date. Use their words where you can. Dementia UK's advice on life stories puts it well: it's their story, not yours.
• Voice memos on your phone. With their agreement, put the phone on the table and forget about it. The Smithsonian guide suggests a quick test first, then saying the date and their name at the start so you know what each recording is. Keep a copy somewhere other than your phone.
• A printed book. Once you've gathered a few stories, a photobook with their words as captions makes a wonderful family present. The Smithsonian guide also suggests a family cookbook or a scrapbook, which suit food and photo stories well.
• A story book with Dottie. If your parent enjoys chatting, Dottie, our AI voice companion, can help. When they tell a good story in an ordinary chat, she asks if they'd like to keep it. Only the ones they say yes to are written up, in their own words, in a story book the family can read. You can add questions from your phone, and Dottie brings them up when the moment feels right. There isn't a printed version yet.

If you're weighing up paid life story services, our Storyworth alternative comparison looks at the options honestly.

If your parent has memory problems

Asking about the past can still be a joy for someone with dementia. Dementia UK says that even with significant memory loss, a life story is a reminder that they are still the person they always were. Its guide to creating a life story has some kind, practical advice:

• Be led by them. You don't have to start at the beginning or go in order. Let them talk about whatever part of life they want to.
• Take one topic at a time, with breaks. It can take days, weeks or months, and that's fine.
• Use prompts, like photos, videos and familiar music.
• Bring in others. Brothers, sisters and old friends may be able to fill in what your parent can't.
• Be careful with painful memories. Think about what they'd want shared, and with whom.

Making it a habit

You don't have to do it in one go. Try a question a week, perhaps on the Sunday call, and share the list with siblings so everyone has a turn. A phone or video call works perfectly well if you live far away; our guide to caring for a parent from a distance has more ideas. Being listened to is a lovely feeling, too, which makes this one of the gentlest ways to help a lonely parent.

Questions families ask